Personality Type and Spirituality
About a 3 years and a half ago at a Belmont class, I happened to take my first personality test; this test was within the framework of the StrengthsQuest by Clifton, Anderson and Schreiner. It was an invitation to discover the top five strengths of one's personality. I admit I was rather skeptical, but also curious. The results were surprising in the way that I could relate to them easily. My top strength of the five was responsibility, and that did not really come as a surprise. From a young age on, I was ‘the responsible one’ for the other siblings, and I was the one the parents would trust to leave at home; the same in the classroom, where I would be the head student reporting to the teacher, organizing and collecting lunch at the school cafeteria for the class.
When I commit to something, I take full ownership for it - I have to deliver what I promised. If for any reason I am unable to do this, it constitutes a major problem to me. An apology or rationalized excuse usually does not cut it and I would definitely be looking for ways to balance 'my failure' in trying to make restitution. My conscientiousness about this would not let me just move on, as many people are able to do. At certain times this obsession with resolving and making up really drains my energies and I am aware of this. However, I also learned that building a reputation for dependability and reliability brings its advantages. In my career as a telecommunication engineer, business owner, and project manager this certainly helped me. I also believe it was one of the main characteristics that got my career started, when I was selected during my studies to work with the government and to take part in the building of the first national wireless system of Egypt. I realize today, that I acted much older and more mature than many my age. My reliability -besides my technological knowledge- soon enabled me to become an expert in the field and to open my own business. This demanded a lot of discipline of a twenty something year old, whose family lived overseas, and who was basically on his own.
In hindsight, comparing the reasons and motivations for my sense of responsibility was -and still is- my belief. In my faith, promises have a very high significance and weight. As Muslims, we are bound to be honest, also in our promises and we cannot (easily) break our word. Our Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was especially known as a trustworthy person, who was always honest. As a Muslim, it is my duty to copy the life of the prophet as much as I am able to. To me breaking my word signifies a major betrayal to another person. A betrayal constitutes a lie. A liar is the complete opposite of how we are supposed to be; lying is degrading us, while truth -even at our detriment- dignifies us.
In the Quran, Allah warns us from one kind of people in particular, and He addresses them with the most severe warnings, as they are in His regard the worst kind of people. He calls them the hypocrites, and they are mainly characterized by the fact that they have two faces. One that agrees with you, promises and smiles at you, while in secret and away from your knowledge, they plot destruction or they mock and betray the words and covenants they previously agreed upon others. These kinds of people are described as those who bring destruction about themselves and others.
In my conviction, deliberately not keeping a promise is taking the path of a hypocrite, as it is their characteristic behavior to do so. Not keeping a promise, because things didn't work out however poses another problem:
As a Muslim, I am relying on God in whatever I am doing. I start every new activity with a short prayer 'Bismillah', which means 'with Allah ('s assistance)' and if I speak about future events, I will add 'Insha-Allah' (So God will) to my words. This is done out of the unquestionableness that all events and proceedings are between the hands of God only. Whatever I do, I cannot guarantee the outcome of my efforts, because there are too many factors that are not under my, but under His Control. It is often argued that this could lead to a complete dependence because of the perception that whatever happens happens, and we have no impact at all – which would result in resignation and lethargy. However this is not the meaning of fate in Islam, and we are still required to make our choices and bring our best effort in order to trying to achieve what we were planning. Therefore, when I fail to deliver on my promise, I get stuck in the question, if my desires lead me in the wrong direction, or if I was not trying hard enough. I have to admit that even in the situations where I answer honestly to myself on these questions and find that I did not desire the outcome for my interest and I did indeed put an enormous amount of effort in the trial, I am still not at peace. I have to go the extra mile for the peace of my own mind, for making certain that I keep my promise in the eyes of other people.
In Islam, the believer is judged on two levels, one is his personal relationships with God. In our case this would include my intention and God's all-encompassing knowledge of my efforts and motives. I could be at peace with this part, I think, because I trust in the Mercy and Forgiveness of God. But there is also another important level on which my actions are evaluated by God and this is how I treat my fellow human beings. Did my deeds increase the 'goodness' and positivity between me and them, or did I cause a relation to go sour and my counterpart to become disappointed? The thing is, I don't know. In principle, if I am dealing with another Muslim, I know that he is theoretically under the requirement to try to find excuses for me. Like me, he should not be disappointed, because things were not meant to turn out the way, we both expected. However, again- I do not know for sure, that he will be able or willing to do this. Therefore, I would keep trying to satisfy him by offering any possible kind of retribution in the hope of making things between us better.
Overall, I am enjoying that people see me as responsible; e.g. I love to take care of my family and I take this responsibility very serious, as it is also something I would always chose to do. There are times, however, when many people ask me for many different things during the same time period, which can definitely lead to stress on my side, as I will do whatever I can to keep up with the needs and demands. I am still the 'responsible' one among my four siblings, and they frequently fall back on me for advice and support. In all honesty, I see their demands as an opportunity to do something good and this is how most of the time I consider peoples' requests. It is a test and an opportunity that knocks on my door, as a reminder that I am well and in a position to help and as a chance to find Mercy and Forgiveness for myself.
According to the personality tests performed in Please Understand Me, I am an ESTJ type. Being extrovert is possibly the reason that reconfirms my thoroughness in trying to keep my word with others. As I feel highly connected to the people around me, and because I take relationships serious as they serve me as a source of energy and liveliness in my life, I also tend to take my responsibilities seriously towards them. In the portrait of the ESTJ, the first three attributes chosen by the author to describe this type are: connectedness, pillars of strength, and responsible. I can definitely find myself in the extrovertness of this type. Since my early age, and coming from a collective oriented culture, associating with others on a frequent basis comes naturally to me. At elementary and middle school age, I tended to be the leader of a group, be it in school or in the neighborhood. Children will ask me to be a member in this particular group and they will consider me the head of it. However, I remember moments, when I felt overwhelmed by their attention and plainly forbade them to continue to come to my home; I would never receive them in my room. As I used to build electrical devices and was very interested in electronics as well as studying and experiencing science, I never wanted anyone around in fear they would break or destroy things I had put my efforts in to build. As much time, I used to spend in these rather solitary occupations, I knew that I had to eventually come out of my sanctuary to be with people and to recharge my social batteries. The exchange of opinions, views, or just simply the fact that I socialize with people, is something I used not to spend much thought on.
When you are growing up in a big family (I have five siblings) and are geographically close to a huge extended family with plenty of cousins, uncles, aunts…, living almost partly with your grandparents, because they are almost always accessible and available, having their house themselves filled with even more extended and close cousins, I suppose, you only realize you are extrovert when you purposely stay away for a while. Besides this family environment, I had no problems to find peers wherever I went. My father, a diplomat, fostered early on in my life a sense and feeling of importance to express myself and taught me the ways how to appropriately do so by having me assist in some of his meetings and conferences. I know that he did so in order to teach me, and I truly enjoyed the trips and the exposure to a new kind of environment. Socializing with all kinds of people, regardless their origins, social class, or opinions, has always been something that was stimulating and enriching for me. Oftentimes, I would socialize for the sake of studying and learning from someone – as a positive, but also a negative example (as observing things that should better be avoided, but draw my interest for the matter of understanding, how someone could be attracted by this kind of mistake in the first place). Therefore, my environment has always been filled with colorful people and their stories. In some way, this has always helped me grow internally, because of the opportunities to observe and understand others life situation. I was always generally interested in life and how it functions, what mechanisms are at work when we do what we are doing, and what are our motivations and mistakes. Myself, when it came to points of orientations, I either held on to the values of the belief system, I had been raised in, or especially in my younger age, I fell back on it in times of error. In my twenties, having my first business would soon enable me to not only socialize but also start to take care of people, as employees and friends. It was a crazy time in economic terms, as because of the relative novelty of my field there were a lot of business opportunities. Soon the people I worked with became more than just employees, because of the kind of unstructured atmosphere of the new field of activity. It was also the mostly informally established structure of the business that basically evolved around my capacities to deliver the technical know-how to the customers that made this a casual and close knit group. I remember that my apartment and kitchen was always open to everyone, who was part of the group, and that I was never alone, retaining very fond memories of this time of camaraderie and closeness. But again, I was the one in charge and I was the one to pick up the responsibilities, which was alright with me, because I considered, if I have the capacities to do so then it is enjoyable and satisfying to take care of others. I did not have a family of myself yet and my family –parents and siblings- were all living overseas at the time. I guess that this also expressed my need and desire to belong to a group and to create a family-like environment around me. Today, as I am married and I have four children, the focus of my responsibility and care is centered around them instead and primarily. As much as I enjoyed my times with friends in life, this has become truly secondary now that I am having a family of my own. I still have friends and acquaintances, but they occupy a much smaller part of my life and though I help and assist them whenever I am able to do so, my priorities are clearly defined to firstly my own family and secondly my extended family.
As males, we are particularly called on to be responsible, as in an Islamic society, women fall back on the social net of male family members. I know that my responsibility does not end with my wife and children. It basically includes all my extended female family members to different degrees. I am especially responsible for the well being of my mother and sisters. Our society is organized this way for the safety of women, who because of their particular situation as mothers do not share the same access to opportunities as men – it is not, because we believe they cannot earn money themselves or should not have access to education, as often claimed. Generally, as long as a woman lives like a man (unattached and focused on her career), she is very able to achieve the same career milestones as a man, however once she has a child to take care of, she is automatically put into a position where priorities change and certain limitations in time and availability occur. It does not take away from our respect for women to support them; it is actually a sign of respect for them and their efforts. In Islam this duty is clearly defined and adhering to the practice of it is important for my self-respect and dignity as a male. An important aspect to consider in this is that, if I am able to do this, it is not due to my particular capacities as a male, but due to the fact that I am receiving what was allotted to me by my Creator in order to fulfill my duties. I am mostly a mean of transmission of provision to the woman for whose needs this money has reached me. Keeping this in mind is of great importance for oneself, especially when one finds himself in a very fortunate situation. Wealth needs to be shared and shared in the right way and with priority to the people that depend on you first. After that, one is free to share with others who are needy.
Another characteristic I could relate to in the description of the ESTJ is our capacity to organize and our preference in seeing things done correctly. However, I could not –or at least not always- recognize myself in the image of observing people in order to assure that they follow the procedures in exact detail and absolute right order. As a superior in a work environment, I will indeed make sure that there are procedures in place. However, these procedures are prioritized: there are some that an employee has to adhere to, because they are very important to me; and others where I will leave it up to each individual to find their way of doing things. I am not rigorously involved in every single step of the flowchart. Quite often and in the majority of occasions, I will show the employee what to do and formulate my goals clearly. After that, if he finds a better –and I include expressively better in his perception- way to do something and the outcome is as stated, I have no problem of letting him do it his way. To me, personally observing my employees or other people, bringing their suggestions of how things should be done to the table, is a matter of interest to me, and I am open to new ways of looking at things: Occasionally I learn something new and that is basically a good thing. However, as a one on the enneagram, I will still judge for myself, which way is the best, and this will usually be mine, because I will strive –through observing others doing the same chore- to optimize my methods.
As a one personality type, I am always looking to improve things, including myself and my methods. I love to share what I have learned and I am indeed very verbal about it. I believe –and this is also part of my religion- that knowledge does not belong to one person alone. Even though the Arab civilization had a lot of prominent inventions, copyrights was not one of them. This lies in the particular stance Islam takes towards knowledge and the spread of knowledge and my personal beliefs are in line with this. The requirement to a lifelong learning is a fundamental one in Islam, learning and studying for the sake of knowledge and not for the sake of privileges like social recognition and fame or materialistic gains is another one. Knowledge, just like money, has to circulate freely in order to achieve the maximal benefit for a society. In the eyes of a Western educated person this sounds foolish as millions of dollars are made in fields where intellectual properties are claimed. I do not believe in this concept (though I still pay my copyright fees), because it slows down and hinders the development and advancement of society and mankind rather than contributing to it. If I learn something new, I like to share it. This is probably also, -besides the above mentioned view -, because as an extrovert, I enjoy communicating and communicating my ideas and knowledge is just one way to do this.
I recognize, though, that there is an imminent danger in the one type personality when it comes to being judgmental and wanting it their way. This is especially true in times of stress and depression, when I perceive that there is neither time nor energy left to correct errors, especially other people’s errors, as those are less predictable and therefore more threatening. I can definitely see myself sliding into the behavior of demanding things to be done my way in these situations. This is a potential area of conflict, especially in personal life, when my interlocutor happens to not share my sense of emergency of the moment. It seems that I am married to a seven type, and asking for a consistent way to do things is sometimes received as an annoyance. So when we are both on a bad day, there might be conflict potential over things that normally do not even deserve a hint of attention, because they are utterly unimportant. I can however attest to the feeling of tenseness and insistence that might overcome a one when losing awareness and distance of mind in this particular situation. The only way out of this cycle –as it can become one- is for one of us to step back and reconsider the incident and on either end let go. Fortunately we seem to have a mechanism in place that makes the other follow swift, which –again- is rooted in our faith, which is calling on us to be tolerant and forgiving and to keep peace in the home and relationships. We are both committed to creating an harmonious atmosphere and both aware that this can only be done through adopting a certain attitude and mindset, as well as we have always be aware –not in the terms of the enneagram, but in our own – that we are fundamentally different in some ways and amazingly similar in others. The knowledge about the differences had us mature and grow over time into being more accepting and supporting of each others, especially on ‘bad days’.
Having things done in an organized way as preferred to a spontaneous is another way the number one type is generally characterized. I half heartedly agree with this. I like to prepare and plan the events in my live, and I am under the impression that this makes a difference. I like to be prepared for all sorts of eventualities and scenarios, and I am willing to spend a considerable amount of time on pondering and analyzing all possible outcomes. However, I had to learn that life is only ‘that much’ predictable and that even in a very elaborate plan things can still not go accordingly to our expectations. Though, I would continue to plan out of the belief that if caught in an unforeseeable situation it is generally better to be prepared than not, however futile this might seem to some. This definitely sometimes cuts down on my spontaneity, but again mostly during a time of stress or depression. Generally, I am absolutely able to spontaneously take up an activity and enjoy my time. This is, in my opinion, especially important when having children, as not all days are the same, granting us the blessing of an opportunity to pass quality time with them. Children often act as a challenge to our gridlocked ways. Their joy and spontaneity, as well as the genuineness of their ideas, and momentary desires often inspire us and release our own spontaneity. This is a very rewarding part of being a parent, and I believe to stay connected with them, they need to experience these kinds of moments with their parents.
Another characteristic that appeared in the ESTJ and the type one of the enneagram is that these types are comfortable evaluating and judging others. This is at least –partly- true. I do have a strict set of values and principles, and I tend to set the stakes high - not only for others, as that would be hypocrite, but also for myself; and I will judge myself just as harshly or even more than any other person. This set of values is the result of belief, knowledge, and experiences and I am absolutely aware that it is proper to me. It is my very personal measurement that nobody else refers to in the exact same combination. Some people may share some of the values and principles, but nobody can realistically share in the entirety of the system. That does not make it less valuable for me and my guidance though. Therefore I do not feel the need to get rid of it – in the contrary, even if it might not be completely fair, (which personal system can claim that?) it is important to me and for the planning and managing of my life. Not all of my standards are originating in my own ideas or desires though.
The majority of the system I am following is taken from my religion, to which I am committed and which I follow as much as I can and as much as I am knowledgeable about it. Maybe this makes my system a little less random and arbitrary – maybe I am just thinking it does – again it is a matter of perception and belief, obviously. Another part of this personal system originated from the life experiences and the knowledge I gained on the way. Life experiences often fill the abstract parts of our personal evaluation systems with examples; it is the meat that brings life to it. We relate situations to past experiences and remember the lessons and feelings at the time. However, I am always trying to not adapt the main frame and principles of my belief to my experiences, but to rather fitting the events into the framework of values supplied through my belief system. I am no here to reinvent the wheel, but I am asked to take my level of knowledge, understanding and wisdom to as high of a degree as possible. I know that I am doing this right, when rules and regulations that I did respect without full understanding, suddenly fill with cognition and unexpected insight into coherencies that I did not expect to find in this particular place or time. This is for me when true spirituality happens, when veils are lifted from my understanding, and I succeed to recognize truth in its fullest ramifications. This is proof to me enough, that adhering to a system of right and wrong ultimately brings more insight into the sphere of right and wrong, and enables me to see things in a whole new degree of interconnections and interrelations. It is my conviction that having a system of discernment is not a negative thing to have. What is certainly unfavorable is when it is missing the values of tolerance and understanding for those who fall outside the positive values provided by it. It can be damaging, if one forgets, that not everyone in this world follows the same system, the one we chose for ourselves.
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