I decided to start my journal today, realizing that it was not only later that I had originally planned to do it, but also that we are getting closer to the month of Ramadan. Ramadan is the month in the Muslim moon calendar that requires Muslims to fast for 30 days (sometimes 29 according to the moon). This month is a very spiritual time of peace and therefore requires a lot of mental preparation. It is a time when you revise your practices, things that you should have done, but you fell short of during the year and you try to elevate your worship and connection to you Creator to a higher level. This new level of inner peace is supposed to last until the next Ramadan, that –so God will- will come and you continue your improvement from year to year throughout your life. Besides reading Quran and listening to lectures to prepare for this time, you also often make plans and schedules concerning your worship. Worship is not only prayer, it also includes deeds and things that you decide to stay away from. For example, it would be counterproductive, if you watched a comedy or you entered into a verbal dispute during your fasting time. So at the moment, after my prayer, I spend the majority of my time contemplating about my shortcomings and how much ‘load’ I can pack into my day. I call it load, not because it seems at first to weight me down to do it, but this is only in the beginning, once you start implementing it, it actually makes your day better and easier. ‘Load’ because right now, I am treating this schedule as a schedule of things that I do not want to forget to do, but I tend to forget. Therefore, I am in need of a schedule, obviously. So sitting there, I am wondering of what did I deprive myself by not doing it and when did I miss out on showing my gratitude towards God.
I felt calmed down and inner peace after my prayer -after some stress that came up in the afternoon- and my thoughts stray again towards the political unrest and deprivation that I was thinking of before I started washing for prayer. I am sometimes worried about the future of my home country and also about a future here, things do not look very good at the moment in both countries with big economical problems and occasionally other difficulties. But after my prayer I began reflecting about how many countries I have lived in and made my home at least for a certain time. There is always a way and always a place, depending on where you are in your life. God has made the whole world at our disposition and we are free to go wherever it is best for us at the moment. We are even encouraged, especially in the case of learning and studying. I feel thankful for all these experiences, because I believe at the end of the day it takes a lot of stress of my shoulders to know that things always fall in place when the time is right. I know many people are worried because they feel limited by their current life situation and their circumstances and many do not see the possibilities out there, not because they are not there, just because they do not know about them and are afraid of going and having a look what is behind the fence. It is truly sad. So much more peace could be achieved, if we stopped worrying so much.
I come to believe that being thankful is the most important thing to do to find inner peace. How often we fail to thank God for even the greatest miracles he plants in our lives. But even the small ones and those, whose size we cannot determine as we are lacking the whole picture. Being grateful for what you got is easier when you consider the fates of other people. When you sit down and think about the misery in the world, about those who suffer the unspeakable pains that we cannot even start to imagine, compared to us, living in a –relatively- safe home with enough drink and food –more than we actually need. How can we not be grateful for our family and for the way the day passes and things fall into place, many without us doing anything about it. We tend to only remember the difficulties, the things we could not find a solution for in the same day and that we could not close. But to worry about them is like not having trust into our Creator’s Ability to take care of them, when the time is ready for them. Though, it can be beneficial that they worry us, as they keep us on our toes, however, they should not worry us over a certain limit, just enough to remind us that we have to try our best tomorrow again to fix what we can fix, to do what we can do – not more than that. Gratitude, that things did not turn out worse, that the problems left at the end of the day are not major, not more than we can bear. Allah promises us to not put on our shoulders more than we can carry and take: “Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity”. (2:286). In the same verse, we have a special prayer, which is one of my favorites. It asks Allah to not hold us accountable for the things we forget, or we commit by mistake, and to not overburden us. It is in a very beautiful language and really puts your soul at rest. Feeling grateful means feeling peaceful, and I hope I can achieve the same state of mind tomorrow after my prayer again.
In today’s meditation, after my prayer the way how I start every one of my five daily prayers stayed I my mind and kept repeating itself. “Bismillahi r-Rahmani r- Rahim” – in the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. Both are names of Allah and both derive from the same root word “rahma” which means ‘Mercy’. Ar-Rahman (the ar- is the article) is the attribute that extends to all creatures and all creation and I kept thinking about this beautiful name –only one out of the 99 we know of – and its meaning and significance for us. I remembered that the Messenger of Allah once explained to his companions, that Allah has divided his mercy into one hundred parts and that He retained with Himself ninety-nine and sent one part down to earth. This part is the reason why creatures deal with one another with compassion so much that even an animal lifts up its hoof over its young so it would not get hurt. So knowing this, how could a human being dare to not be merciful, if even the animal shows mercy? And how big must our Creator’s Mercy be if a small part of it can suffice an entire earth. How enormous is his Mercy that he has left to deal with us. And I am also realizing how his mercy is not just the exceptional event when one person does something extraordinarily kind to you, one of these events that you might recall years after the event has taken place. I am thinking of these things that we risk taking for granted, our health, our well being, our provision etc. Again, I feel gratitude being reminded of all what we receive every second of our lives, more than we can count and contain most of the time. It is the ability to take a breath, to feel what we feel that is all coming from one source. I am very peaceful again after this experience.
I kept thinking about my post yesterday concerning justice, loving-kindness and truth. It is very easy to hurt people’s feelings, obviously and it is also very unnecessary to do so many times. I believe most times we have the common sense of not doing it, however sometimes it happens in spite of our efforts to be kind and friendly.
Abû Hurayrah, a companion of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) reported him saying: “Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should speak a good word or remain silent. And whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should show hospitality to his neighbor. And whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should show hospitality to his guest.” [ Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim ]
So kindness and hospitality, even outside our homes, welcome someone in a conversation or share words of compassion, all this is very important for our society to function rightly, and to progress by encouraging and motivating our fellows with our words and our kindness. A society cannot be successful when people take the habit of yelling at each other or insulting each other, treating their next one with arrogance and superiority. As members of a society we should be humble and well-wishing for others. This is only possible when we understand that whatever comes to us as our provision is something that is exclusively designated to us. We get as much as has been allocated to us - not more, not less. You can only be happy with what you get, if you know that what you get is a blessing and you never lose anything of this blessing due to circumstances (except maybe through sin) on the contrary, if you miss an opportunity or let one pass, because of the doubtfulness of its legitimacy, you might get rewarded with more. This attitude prevents jealousy, one of the strongest silent killers of peace and happiness in this world.
So if we give up on these negative feelings for one another and practice what is called ‘lovingkindness’ in Shapiro’s book, then our relationships should improve and our personal live should be in harmony with those around us.
However, and that’s the problem, life is not that easy and bump-free. We will with all our good intentions most certainly face situations where we find ourselves wondering, if we should be kind or truthful. And this is mostly the case when we see something that is generally agreed upon as wrong happening, and we are in a position to know, speak and advice about it. Is it kind, true, necessary to talk about it? It might be true and necessary, but maybe not kind. In this situation, we are required to speak up, however not in a way that increases the damage already done. A good example here is when we talk about lying in Islam; there are very few exceptions to where lying is allowed (if no other way can be found), one of them is, if you are trying to reconcile two parties. You are not allowed to repeat the bad words said of one party about the opposing party, because your mission is to promote peace between them and you rather have to change the bad things they say about it other into a good perspective: meaning you pick the few good things or embellish some other things they said about each other. Because truth is not here to wage unnecessary war, truth should help to install social peace and justice, not the opposite.
I am still following up on my thoughts from yesterday, refining and adding to some of the things I was reflecting about. Truth is such an important concept in this world, because so much is based on deception and hypocrisy. People do not dare to be themselves, they are in two minds, is that what it means? (Sometimes in even more than two). They do not dare to be genuine, to be themselves; instead they hide behind masks and content themselves with being what they can be. But success does not come easily with a fake identity. So much energy is wasted on keeping up appearances in these cases that the real self with its strengths and blessings cannot shine through. People could be doing much better, if they could face themselves and find acceptance, but they are living in a non-accepting society, that tells them what is good, pretty, appreciated and it offers the model for all looks, behaviors and actions. They find it hard to swim against the stream and therefore become objects floating on top. They do not take the time to ponder about what is making them special and why they are here on this earth. The purpose of life becomes a car or a fancy home or a title on the office door. But they forget that this is just an incident on the journey. This is not worth anything, if you do not know why you exist. If you lose the very essence of the meaning of your existence and what you are supposed to do to life up to this meaning, then you are like a boat in the ocean that lost direction and compass. You might find things to do, temporarily, like gathering some rainwater to survive, go fishing for some food, sing a song or paint the deck, but why are you actually really in this ship, you won’t be able to answer this question after your activities have ended. Islam teaches us that this life is nothing. It is a temporary, short moment in our existence and hat we are in human bodies because this is the only way we can live on this earth. Our souls are eternal and they will return to another life after death. However, this life here is not meaningless: It is the great test we must go through in order to assure ourselves a place in the hereafter that is pleasant and not one that is painful and misery. As long as we keep this concept in sight, we are restraint by the boundaries of goodness and we are challenged by the demand of betterment as a person, for our self and for others but especially in our relation to our Creator.
One of the most beautiful examples of truth is Surah Al-Kahf, which is read every week on Fridays.
Besides other events, it tells the story of Moses, who went on a search for a wise servant of God, named Al-Khidr. When he meets him, he asks his permission to follow him around to learn from him, however Al-Khidr makes it very clear to him, that his capacities of understanding are not enough, and that he will not be able to distance himself from commenting and judging; and if he does this, Al-Khidr tells him, he will have to leave. Moses, as a prophet is supposed to have unusual capacities of insight in this world and wisdom in how to deal with it, however, Al-Khidr is also a very particularly gifted person, who follows the way of God. During three incidents, Moses does not understand Al-Khidr’s actions and he objects them vehemently. The truth he is seeing in the incidents is the one of a regular person, while Al-Khidr seems to have a particular gift and knowledge in reading things in a different way. Al-Khidr proceeds to slay a man, drown a boat and rebuild a wall in a town whose inhabitants have treated him poorly. Moses does not understand, and insists on explanations each time. Al-Khidr explains, that the man he killed, was going to be a violent criminal and tyrant; the boat he drowned was going to be confiscated by an hostile approaching army and by drowning it, he saved the owner (and the entire village which depends on the income) from losing it to this army; the wall was rebuilt because it hosted a treasure for orphans of the village, who should not be deprived from their wealth by their greedy fellow villagers, and the wall served to secure and hide the treasure until they reached the age of maturity. Moses gives in and after the third incident admits that he is lacking the necessary insight to see what Al-Khidr is able to see. Al-Khidr, however, exists in this story to put relativity on truth. Truth is not always what appears in front of our eyes, it is often hidden and involves more knowledge than we expect. Basically, the first look is seldom enough to find out. Sometimes, we are unable to find out the truth and only time shows what was true and what was not. But the story of Al-Khidr also proves to us the fact that someone has to hold the truth, someone superior and greater than ourselves and this would be the One who created us. Meaning there is always an ultimate truth, but often we are not able to find it, because we look for it in the wrong places as a result of our restrictions of the mind: often conceptual or emotional ones. Oftentimes, we complain about the disasters that occur in our lives, but are we really able to judge what is happening to us in its entire scope. We are unable to see this scope because we are dealing with eventualities once an action has given a certain direction to our life. We will judge what happened in the context of our own goals and wishes, but we fail to see the bigger picture. The only thing that saves us is trust, the trust that our Creator bestows what is best for us spiritually and in the course of our life. But this trust has the hope of mercy, for without the Mercy that decrees the best for us, there would be no hope. The Roman and Greek Gods decreed on their human subjects but they did not care about the benefit of their victims, they cared about themselves, just like a tyrant or self-centered ruler would do. God differs from this concept profoundly and what distinguishes him is Mercy. These were the tracks of my thoughts today and I concluded with the idea that truth is important in this life, because it contributes to justice and justice leads to peace and harmony in a society. But what is not useful is the knowledge of truth without the necessary mercy. Just like Al-Khidr used the knowledge he possessed for acts of mercy, we are supposed to use our knowledge for the goodness in this world.
(Side note: The act of killing a man might look brutal, but I believe it is a symbol here for the incidents in our lives that happen and that are so live changing and severe that we are in danger to break over them (like the loss of a child, partner or parent). It does certainly not mean that we can kill people that we suspect of future wrongdoings; Al-Khidr in the story was not a regular human and his judgments did not come from him.)
When I first heard about war, I was rather young and after some reflection, I asked my parents why the ‘bad’ guys do not just build a wall and live for themselves away from those they do not like and then there won’t be any conflict. I overhead one of my daughters asking the same question today and it amazed me, because it seems that this is the first of all solutions that comes to mind. Just go and mind your own business, if you are not happy here and a wall will be built to protect the two sides from each other. The idea is as old as China, it has happened in Berlin, Germany for 50 years; the Barlev Line was another wall I learned early on in my life. It seems as humans we are always busy building walls. We prefer to separate what we think cannot live together and we believe that a wall will protect us.
Yesterdays story lead me to think about the walls we build in our lives again. My thoughts wandered around to the walls of the mind, that are often built by people who are involved in a struggle or in just as a result of a bad experience. Every time we make up our mind, we form an opinion, there is a potential wall going up in our mind that could exclude us in the future and separate others from us.
My thoughts are still around the subject of segregation. I remember the morning when I was on my way to school and I encountered the milk man downstairs shouting:”There is no school today. We are at war!” It was the day in 1973, when Sadat attacked Israel. Today, we know, that their wall that was supposed to protect them from the aggressors, was taken over by the Egyptian forces within only two hours. Instead of attacking the construction with explosives or bulldozers, they simply, in a surprise action, took 300 water cannons and projected the water of the canal onto the structure. They removed the entire foundation of the wall and were able to cross it this way. The Barlev only lasted form 1969-73. The Berlin line stood for 50 years, the Peace Lines in Northern Ireland were also built in 1969, and they are still standing. While Germany largely embraced the other half of the country into its unity, the Middle East and Ireland are still waiting for solutions to their problems, so does Korea with their demilitarized zone between the Northern and Southern part.
Do walls really help the peace process, or do they slow it down? Is a visible reminder of your situation going to improve your ability to negotiate and find a solution with your opponents? How do the Palestinians feel, when they drive along the endless lines of fences and walls, reminding them every day, that they are an occupied nation, living in the biggest prison of the world. Or the Catholic Irish, who are continuously reminded of the English invasion and occupation during most f their history. Does it promote dialogue? The first thing that Egypt attacked in the 1973 war was the wall, even though they had fighter jets at their disposal. Walls, the visible and the ones we carry in our minds, are the very symbol that we are not at peace with those around us.
The key of peace lies within ourselves. If we do not open our hearts and minds to the fact that we live with other people together on this earth, than we cannot achieve peace. As humans, we are social beings, but as social beings we enter into the potential arena of conflict. If we look at the Biblical and Quranic scriptures, or even the Hindu Vedas, we learn that conflict and crime are as old as mankind. Whenever a conflict arises, there is transgression. This transgression either is an injustice in itself or causes an injustice as a result, like in the case of Cain and Abel/Habeel. When this happens the first step to injustice is introduced and frequently results in a series of unjust events as a result. When Cain killed his brother, he was haunted by his conscience and he eventually deeply regretted his act and repented, asking God’s forgiveness. But the harm was done and the idea of crime had entered the world.
Why peace within ourselves is so important? Because, if we are busy with the struggles inside us, we cannot put enough energy to resolve the conflicts around us. However, the peace we have to create inside us is not a state that we reach once and for all. It rather is an ongoing process. If the peace around us is depending on our situation of inner peace and a result of the events that occur around us than peace can never be a state, it is always a process. That explains how friends can suddenly become enemies, in the blink of an eye, over a wrong word said or a single deed that has gone wrong. It is like someone committed a crime that cannot be forgiven by the other side. Therefore whatever we say or do, at any given moment affects the peace in this world.
Using mindfulness and cognitive behavior is a pivotal factor to promote peace around us. Being aware of our own feelings and being able to control them in a situation is as important as being able to look at the problem at hand from a distant point to be able to mentally stand above the events. Not to be sucked into the emotional action-reaction scheme is important to avoid conflict. When I first heard about mindful behavior, it felt like a strange thing to do, until I reflected about it. That was when I realized, that I had been doing this almost all my life and that I was lucky to have been raised to do this through my faith. Islam has many rules and regulations that determine your lifestyle and your interaction with other people. Its teachings actually have a particular branch that deals with nothing but these interaction rules and considerations. If you grow up, learning about these manners on a daily basis, they automatically become part of your daily routine, but what comes with it is an ability ot pay attention more closely to the things that are going on around you. You might find yourself in a potential conflict, when you remember that in this situation you are supposed to do that, but it would be even better to react this way. So you are basically left with a set of preselected choices that automatically keeps you away from the bad ones, (because by choosing the Islamic life code you eliminated those as wrong and insufficient already beforehand). As a result, you are bound to find yourself much rarer in situation where you risk choosing a behavior that is exaggerated or excessive as an answer to a perceived provocation.
One of the worst enemies of peace in everyday life, in my opinion, is stress. Stress creates these kinds of tensions in us that shorten our patience and ability to endure. Rushing ourselves through a situation, because our mind is already somewhere else, is the worst thing to do. When we are in a rush, things have to go our way only, because cornered by time, we rely on one plan only and we feel the urgent desire that this plan has to be enforced as fast as possible to meet our timely needs. As a result of being rushed, we make mistakes, either with the objects that surround us (breaking something we need to accomplish our plan) or the people (those who do not react the way we want them to and that we perceive as bothering roadblocks at the time). These mistakes cause delay and therefore more stress. Being in the moment is crucial for our peacefulness. In Islam we say:”Calmness and patient deliberation is from God and haste is from Satan.”(Ahadith:Tirmidhi 2019) We believe that Satan uses our vulnerability in the state of haste to make mistakes.
How to ward of the satanic influence on our heart that robs us of our inner peace? We are told to watch the gates of our heart, which stand for general characteristics a human might carry as an individual. To watch translates into self-observation and self-control, when it comes to knowing our personality and reflecting about our motivations and thoughts. Stress, haste and recklessness are not the only factors that can be introduced into the heart by evil forces: there are other well known like anger, desire, greed, envy, miserliness, fear, bigotry….To fight these influences, we are taught to keep our heart “polished” by doing right and controlling our acts and deeds as well as to take heed to doing good to others, being compassionate to the world around us and assist others in their plights. If our hearts are in a good state, the remembrance of God’s name will strengthen it to resist the bad influences that might occur. When we remember God’s name, we call this action dhikr. One way is to just seek refuge with God when we see something wrong or feel a desire taking over our minds. Another –more efficient- form of it is to do it like a mantra, or following the rosary beads like some Christian denominations do to count their prayers. We say the same things a certain number of times. These little sentences praise God and thank Him and ask Him for Forgiveness. Required to do this daily, one usually, and if done right, ends up in a peaceful inner state, that feels like a cleansing had been done to one’s heart. It is a reminder of our insignificance and humbleness and resets our inner counters, like a new day is a symbol for a new start.
When we rush ourselves through our day and becoming more and more stressed out over the events, we end up in an unnatural haste, that takes our minds and our breath. We are in a similar state as if we just escaped an attack, our Adrenalin level is high and we are usually in a state of defense and fear, physically and mentally. It is a really lowly state of mind and it reflects on our physical appearance. People can usually tell when we are not ourselves and stressed out. How much more dignifying, if we succeed to move through our day being at peace and in harmony with ourselves. If we succeed to slow down and think for a moment, it can save us a lot of trouble and stress for the day. It can also save us to cause dis accord because of hastily spoken words or deeds that we would not have said or done, would we have been in our 'right' mind. I spoke to a friend today who is worried about his health, undergoing several exams not knowing the outcome yet while he is equally challenged to make personal decisions at the same time. My advice was to delay all long term decisions until his mind is freed from the uncertainty for his health, so he can focus his mind on the question on treatment and later deal with the personal challenges in his life. The worst decisions are made under pressure and in the state of fear. Hopefully, he will be doing well soon.
Today, I was reading a quote of Confucius that stuck in my mind. it was about participate in the Empire when the Way is applied, but to hide or not participate, when the Way is not present. He also emphasizes that it is shameful to be poor and humble in a righteous Empire, but it is a shame to be wealthy and having positions, when the state does not apply the just Way of ruling. This resonated very strongly with me and i believe it has a lot to do not just with doing the right thing, help in something good, but avoid participating in something bad, but it also is about the peace you find in doing the right thing. When you do something while compromising your values and principles, even in small things, they can soon turn you into a different person, because sometimes small things can lead to big consequences. Just consider, you accept a bribe, one time thing, you say, but once you see how easy the money is made, it becomes a habit; or you wake up one day, discovering, that someone found out and now you have to find a way to cover your crime and save your reputation; doing this will lead to more criminal deeds worse than the one committed in the first place. Al-Ghazali -the well-known Islamic scholar- teaches us that when our passion takes over our life, it is as if we had handed over 'an angel to the power of a dog'. But if we restrain ourselves and learn to discipline our mind in goodness, compassion and knowledge, we will be able to eliminate the mental and spiritual rust of our mind and shine it up to truly reflect the divine light we carry in our hearts. As a practical result, people who practice this kind of lifestyle will become more intuitive and knowledge that otherwise would not have reached them will enter their minds because of the achieved awareness and inner peace, as they are one with themselves and their Creator.
Wondering how to find inner peace with the war that is going on in this world: I just finished reading the news and looking at the horrifying pictures of human bodies, women, children, men, elderly massacred by the government that is supposed to serve them (governments are supposed to be the servant of the people not the masters) but instead betrays them and attacks them with the force of machine guns, missiles, tanks and fighter jets. It is hard to contain your feelings, when you feel like the pain of the whole nation is suddenly entering your heart. It is inhumane and unjust and no description seems to fit their suffering. It dulls our minds to just imagine what one of those who passed away under these horrible circumstances might have seen and experienced in his or her last minutes. To make things worse, many of the bodies found in the streets carry marks of torture.. But in front of these pictures our hearts have to revolt, we have to feel the way we feel. How can we raise our voices and engage ourselves in any cause, if we do not feel the pain of the one who suffers. Peace is not a state of quietness, of speechlessness, peace within us and peace in the world can only prevail, if we set things right and try to do what we can for those who suffer. Even if it is just sharing the link or posting a comment or making a video….whatever it is we can do. How can we find even a hint of peace, if we do not follow our compassion for human suffering and act on it.
Peace is everywhere around us, if we have the ability to see it. Even in a war-torn world, we can still find peace, provided we are not in the center of the armed conflict. There are so many outside inspirations around us that invite us to realize how perfect this world is made and how much we are part of this perfectness. A great place to experience this kind of peace is nature. We look at the perfection with which everything works together, how ecosystems are build to attain synergies in their functioning and how each creature is its own miracle. This reality and the blessing of being able to recognize it a hundred or thousand times around us in every thing we see, is an humbling example of the potential for peace. If we know our place in this world, this giant but well structured and organized system, we can find peace, because we find ourselves.
Putting our heart at peace when we learn of someone's death is possibly one of the most difficult things we will face in our life time. Faith in an afterlife is certainly helpful. and so is the belief, that every individual will have every deed committed in his/her life time counted - even the smallest good will not be forgotten. And it helps to remember, that nobody is more Merciful and Forgiving than our Creator. The certainty, as mentioned in the Quran on several occasions, that our time of death is confirmed the very moment we are born, is also a consoling knowledge that takes a lot of pain out of the sad event of losing someone. But knowing that our life here is ephemeral is probably the most important thing to remember in order to not become a victim of one's own grief.
In The Alchemy of Happiness, Al-Ghazali speaks about the right dealings with other human beings: "This earthly world is a caravansary on its journey to God, and all mankind is gathered together as travel companions. As they all wander towards the same goal and are bound together in a caravan, they have to hold up peace and harmony, help each other, and respect each other’s rights." This teaches us about how to treat and respect most of our fellow human beings, but Al-Ghazali does not only advice us in how to deal with neighbors, relatives and fellow men in general, but brings our attention to the true and pure nature of friendship. He warns us not to spend our time with friends that join us for worldly reasons or because they are hoping to benefit in one way or the other from our friendship and relation to them. While they have still certain rights on us as human beings, they should not be considered true friends. The true friend is the one that loves you for the sake of this friendship and for the sake of God, which means he has no ulterior motive for his affection, but the fact that God planted this love in his heart. It is the person, who would give up his or her own advantage for the sake of the friend and it is the person who would risk his or her life to prevent the friend from committing an act of injustice or sin. It is this true friend we all hope for in life to have on our side, the one that thinks of our interest, and who has compassion and care to offer for us. It is the one person that permanently pushes us to be our best and whose greatest hope is that we are worthy in the eyes of our Creator. It is a selfless love that he praises as an ideal and he explains our duties as a real true friend. He explains when a true friend has to be silent and when to talk, how far he has to go in sacrificing his wealth and possessions, and even his life - if the life of the friend is in danger; he speaks of the importance of forgiveness, and intercession for the friend, as well as loyalty and truthfulness, when it comes to the relation of friendship. These ideals are obviously hard to find in a person and someone with whom we can build a relationship like this can be counted as a rare gem. But this is how real friendship should look like and how we should try to live up to these ideals when we decide to make someone our friend and call him by this name. It is true that many of our relations will not reach a mutual level of these values and ideas, but as a person of integrity we should go by these principles and offer our truthfulness and loyalty to others and approach them without having agendas, or selecting them for friendship according to our needs and wants. If we treat people this way, we will find relations that will develop in real and true friendships that orientate themselves towards all the noble values mentioned above.
Empathy and compassion can go a long way when we are trying to make peace. It is important that we let the other person feel, that we can feel and realize their problem or hurt, that we can feel them and understand the situation. If the person has the impression that we just want to rapidly fix the problem without giving him a chance to be heard, even if the solution that is offering what he is looking for, he might not accept it because he does not feel that he has been valued and heart as an equal participant. The communication did not reach him and he will feel the desire to reject whatever is offered, because he experiences a lack of consideration as a human being. Therefore, listening and showing understanding for someone's point of view is part of the conflict solution process and an important step in such.
As children, we usually know exactly how to ask our parents or siblings for something we want. We observe what works best and find ways to make our wants desirable for them. We study what we would say and how we would wrap the issue, in order to make it appealing for them - so they almost feel like they wanted it in the first place. Leaving aside the sometimes more r less deceiving side of these strategies, why do we lose this ability of figuring out what the person in front of us wants or likes when we grow older or get to deal with people outside our comfort zone? Why do we forget so easily the art of convincing people and that the most important part of it is to understand, where the other person is mentally in this game. Things like, how do they feel about this, do they like the idea and if not, what could make them like it? What would I have to offer in order to make my offer palatable for them? If we do not consider the other in our communication style, we are bound to fail in our negotiations all the time. We know from experience that when we talk to our parents with disrespect or with a bad attitude, they are less likely to give us what we want. Why do we forget about something so basic, then? When we address someone with a condescending attitude or hidden aggression, the reaction will seldom be in our favor, but will most likely produce the opposite of what we hoped for. Addressing what we want in a clear and understandable manner, while keeping in touch with the realities and perspectives of the other side is the better way to go. I am sometimes amazed about the offeres and demands, I hear from people, who entirely ignore, that a business or negotiations should always aim for a win-win, not a win-loss. These conversations never end with peaceful hearts, but at the best with bad feelings and disappointments on at least one side.
I was tempted several times to journal about the time I am spending during Ramadhan. It is always a peaceful time, at least one with inner peace, even though the last weeks have been the opposite of peaceful regarding the world news. But the special conditions in Ramadhan let you -in spite of the situation- focus on your inner self and the restoration and cultivation of your heart. It is a time of extra prayer and worship and reflection, this in itself is helpful, especially when facing very extreme situations, like the events currently going on in the Middle East and in my home country. In Ramadhan, we reset our schedules and goals; we gather the determination to continue to pursue our own betterment in new and more advanced ways. We also remember the essence of the meaning of life and our role in all this as an individual.
Today I could not help repeating the question in my head, how much does the media war play into the effectiveness of peaceful protests. How if a protest is entirely peaceful, but the channels that report on this peacefulness are in the hands of the opposition, as all others have been shut down by them. The international media tends to take the news from the sources, they find - you can always correct later, but not reporting is worse than false reporting. So how will we ever end up knowing the truth at the time we need the truth? What about the fact that a peaceful protest can be attacked and then accused of being the aggressor: Again, no unbiased media on the ground. Observing the events in Egypt for several days and weeks, I saw all this happening. However, I still believe that a peaceful protest is the right thing to do, but how do you respond to forces who are not interested in peace, but in their own personal goals. When a whole 'government' is making its people an object, or at least half of its population things have gone terribly wrong. The only chance in these situations can be in your numbers and your determination.
I had to remember a story today that is about our prophet Muhammad. When he started teaching people about Islam, many of the 'old guards' of Mecca were opposing him even with violence. As a daily routine, one of his neighbors would gather waste and dispose it on the doorsteps of the prophet's house. Instead of retaliating in the same manner, he would then just clean up the mess and continue his day. One day, there was no pile of garbage and the prophet decided to go to his neighbor's house and check on him. Finding him sick, he started taking care of him until he felt better. The man was moved and later became one of the followers of Islam. I found this to be a great example for a heart at peace. First of all, there was no conflict or fight worth the offense, so the prophet decided to ignore the whole thing and dismiss it. He did not let his day be impacted by the daily repeating annoyance and kept his mind and heart focused on what was important. He did not get lost in insignificant conflicts. When the action suddenly came to an end, he shows us, that he had considered the humanity of his neighbor all the time, as his first reaction was to go and look after him to see what had happened. He never saw the offending rubbish, he basically saw the human being behind it with his misplaced rejection and hatred. But he saw the human being and he succeeded to win his heart by showing him, that he had always considered him as such.
To avoid conflicts, we are taught in the Anatomy of Peace that establishing and working on our relationships will prevent disagreements and reduce the time we spend in 'fixing things that have gone wrong'. This is entirely true and can easily be observed when it comes to our children. If we set aside a certain amount of quality time for them in the day, they are usually much easier to deal with because they are more ready to listen and follow directions, for there is a positive relationship to the person asking and the time spent together is just a reminder of that. in Islam, we are told to maintain good relations with the people around us, starting with our family, it extends to our neighbors who have very specific rights on us, like protecting his interests when he is not present, showing him respect, helping him if he is inflicted by injustice or calamity. We should not try to detect any wrong-doing or faults of his part and if we know about them, we should not involve in gossiping about them. If he listens, desist him form improper habits, but forgive him if he has done any wrong. If all neighbors in this world would live according to an ethical code like this, i believe a lot of conflicts could be avoided. this way
When you get aggravated do not continue to speak, fall silent. Sit down, if unable to calm down like that, lie down. These are the techniques offered to recover from an attack of anger on our heart in Islam. Silencing ourselves, sitting or resting are counterproductive to our desire to blow up on someone or to attack physically. It is basic anger-management, cutting short the process of escalation of a conflict. Once you sit down, your breathing changes and your blood-pressure lowers itself. The aggression level, caused by the pouring out of adrenaline is declining and we should be able to get out of a headless rage into a more controlled mode.
However, for real and deeper peace, a Muslim will seek forgiveness for his anger right away by addressing God to forgive him/her for the uncontrolled feeling and inner reaction. He/she will also ask the Creator to assist them to regain their calm and remind themselves in a prayer that nothing is in their power. To completely rid themselves from the angry heart they might chose to enter into a longer prayer. Speaking or making decisions in the state of rage and anger should be avoided and if control and focus is not regained by the measures above then it seems to be necessary to take time to reflect on the issue, before deciding what to do next.
Egypt is at the current time such a source of examples why peace is not peace. Peace is not silencing people who want to raise their voices and declare their wants and needs. You might be able to take away their communication channels and issue threads, but at the very end, this might just show the opposite effect. The more (neutral) people see the injustice hidden behind these strategies, the more opposition the oppressor will eventually have to face. 'If you want peace, work for justice.' (Pope Paul VI)
We happened to discuss shortly the problem of racial discrimination in the discussion board and the subject stuck in my mind. My restaurant happens to be in an area where a lot of gentrification has been taken place over the past ten years and I had to witness a lot of conflicts, many of them including the racial aspects that these situations bring with it. It is rather shocking to me, seeing people being treated or looked at a certain way because of the way they look like. Racial tensions in this society come in so many forms and are rarely looked at in a way to analyze the true factors that contribute to the problems and conflicts. The worst thing is, when people expect you to take sides in a conflict that is solely based and fed by their prejudices and distorted ideas of the other. All the more I appreciate the fact that during my prayers in congregation, i can for once forget about this subject for good and I can be standing next to whoever and whatever, not caring about anything but that we are all human beings - which is so obvious, that i usually do not spend a thought on it anyway. The best example for a Muslim perspective on race is the time of Hajj or pilgrimage. It is obligatory for every Muslim to dress in a hajj outfit that is very simple and expensive. People from all over the world, rich and poor then gather together to exercise the exact same rites and rituals as everyone else with them. There is no privilege, no higher or less, but a complete equality in front of the Creator, with the only distinction in our deeds and our worship. 'O you mankind! We have created you of a male and a female, and then we made you into races and tribes so that you may know each other. Surely the most honorable of you in Allah's sight is the one who is the most pious among you; surely Allah is All-Knowing and Aware. [Quran 49:13]
The most common source of quarrels that make our life difficult is probably the one that happens in our homes. We are most likely to talk into boxes, when we let down our guard and our ability to control ourselves. The home therefore can become a place of trouble, if we are not careful.. Often people come home tired and frustrated from the events of the day and their minds filled with the things that happened during the day. They might be coming home to someone, who in a similar state also has a lot to tell and to process. If the attitude of both is not one of peace and consideration, then the situation often ends in an unnecessary conflict that could have been easily avoided with some mindfulness and compassion. However, it is relatively easy to establish a good tone and attitude as a habit, or a kind of homecoming routine, where at some point both partners feel that their concerns are taken into consideration by the other. Respect and familiarity with the other person's habits and sensitivities also help overcoming a lot of tense situations. Our peace surely starts at home and we should start our work towards peace in the smallest social cell, ourselves and our family.
